Breastfeeding a Toddler

4:56 AM

I'm happy to say that we are constantly inundated with reasons why breastfeeding is best. Every pediatrician’s office, family magazine and, even, formula ad gives us the old jingle that boob is best. We know it. It's great.

I do think that breastfeeding is awesome-amazing and I could make a 100-line list of the benefits. That's why we're still going strong with it at 17 months old (him, not me, I'm 25.)

But there just may be a shorter, less popular list rolling around my head lately that could be aptly named "Worst Things About Breastfeeding a Toddler Ever". Don't let it scare you. Don't let it annoy you. The idea is to have a good laugh at the fact that some days I think I need to hire a therapist after a nursing session. Never, ever let one downside to extending breastfeeding discourage you from the incredible, life-changing benefits to it. It's beautiful and perfect and any frustrating hiccups along the way are merely pawns in a glorious chess game.

My "little" breastfeeder

But, anyways, here's the list.

10. Toddlers do not fit in the crook of your arm anymore. You still use your arms - yes - but you end up looking like Jillian the personal trainer from Biggest Loser.
9. Toddlers mix that lovely, sweet mother's milk that you donate to them with that healthy, organic food that you prepare for them, and turn it into a wasteland of garbagey sludge. They may or may not excrete this stinky brew while you are nursing them, with a laugh.
8. Toddlers believe in the notion that the grass is greener on the other side, somehow believing that the other breast has been harbouring some far superior nectar that needs to be sampled asap. Breast switching will become not only hilarious to them, but an utter necessity, apparently.
7. Toddlers will choose suspiciously inappropriate times to request some milk. This can be requested through sign language, or by yelling in our case: "NA NA NA NA NA!" It can be done during the 9th inning, while my grandpa's new wife is walking down the aisle (I'm a bridesmaid), or during a traditional Catholic funeral. Thanks.
6. Toddlers get runny noses. Think about it.
5. Toddlers are not just sustaining 9 lbs anymore - they're strapping young 25 pound lads and they think a serving size of mama's special drink should come in Extra-Jumbo like they have at 7-11. While some may find the constant outflow of calories inviting, I find it a full time job to eat enough to keep my pants up.
4. Toddlers know that the Nursing Olympics are real and that the Gold Medal is at their finger tips. In his incredible display of gymnastics, Oliver has mastered more positions that I have in advanced yoga classes.
3. Toddlers are practicing their speech. An entire conversation may happen while you think you are bestowing nutrients upon them.
2. Toddlers know have the capacity to understand the difference between a flat chested man and a voluptuous woman at the grocery store. He will let this woman know that he is very interested in what she has to offer under her shirt.
1. Toddlers have tons of teeth.

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